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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told
the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
you died."
"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my
wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well,
I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall
and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went
back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and
heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had
a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK,
Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before
I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips
on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy
man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping
on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on
the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm
laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the
ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell
me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
Rub it

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
Who's the Boss?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."


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